Excuse Me

I will now share with you my time tested alibi's to get you out of a pinch. Use them sparingly and only under extreme duress for future your own credibility. Trust me, I lie.

When caught spending an inappropriate amount of money on foolish novelties:

Break into song while still holding shopping bags if possible. Robert Palmers, "She's so fine there's no telling where the money went.." Dance while singing to further draw attention away from new unneeded items. If this does not appear to be working switch Palmer songs to "Addicted to Love." Take your clothes off.

When invited to a celebration or party you really don't want to go to:

Send back the RSVP card with this sentence written on it, "Sorry, just not interested." This actually happened to a co worker when she invited a distant relative to her wedding. I'm not sure if that was the must honest or most hurtful thing, but it worked and there was no lame excuse used.

When hit up for money:

Answer, "Seamonkeys got my money." People will think you are too flaky to have money to barrow. Got this one from K2 when his bud tried to con him out of his allowance.

When Jehovah Witnesses appear on your door:

Lean against door frame and listen to them for the first ten seconds. Interrupt them by ruffling your hand through your tousled hair and yawn saying, "I'm sorry I really can't seam to pay attention. Yawn again. I was up late last night with my ritual sacrificing and I just need my shut eye you know?"


How to get out of work:

Call in from a noisy area like the side of the road or the middle of a car wash. "It ddoesn't look like I'm going to make it in today. Hello? Boss can you hear-click(hang up). Next day do not make eye contact with employer. If directly asked what happened, sigh, look down and answer,"I just can't bring myself to talk about it yet." Sigh again and turn and walk away. If possible have a friend pick you up from work. Shake slightly when you hear loud noises and tremple when you drink your coffee.

When asked to dance with someone you do not care to dance with, answer:

"Sorry not right now. I got the vapors." Of course this only works with the dim wits who do not know that a vapor is gas. I used to use this excuse with my hubby all the time till he found out a vary was a fart. Now he just tells me to get my stinky ass to work.

When the NRA calls asking for your husband wanting a donation:

Reply in a shaky voice, "My husband? You want to talk to my husband? He's dead. He died in a hand gun accident." If you are surpressing laughter it sounds like weeping and they will not call you again.

How to get out of having sex:

Don't be silly. Why would you not want to have sex?

How to get out of doing just about anything:

Say, "I got woman problems." Do not blame pms or aunt flo. Those excuses are just way too over done. Just say "Woman problems." They won't want to hear no more and will walk off.

How to get out of giving a job recommendation:

Give a recommendation just choose your words carefully. "I think you would be really lucky if you got Elmo to work for you." See you just very nicely called your coworker Elmo a slacker. Elmo, infact, inspired me for this idea.

How to get out of being caught in the act of badness:

Once again you must pull a double double and stick to it to the end. "What? I'm not using your fillet knife. Who are you going trust, Me or your old lying eyes?" vehemently denies wrong doing.

Getting away with doing what you want:

"I get soo few pleasures out of life." It helps if you look like you are actually appear to be doing something productive at the time. "I mean, I have the house cleaned. I have a job. I've taught the kids to take care of themselves. (Pretent at this point to be cleaning off cumputer screen while in fact booking tickets.) I should be able to go to Las Vegas once in my life and not be the last person on earth to see it." Remember the key phrase, "So few pleasures." Add it to any small accomplishments you have ever done. Do not bring up the fact you last week spent your life savings on sea monkeys or Robert Palmer cd's.

When people ride you about not writing:

Run off to a different country or state. Design a restaurant. Make 14 different recipes for cloudberry panna cotta. Sit in your basement full of pretween boys watching horror movings and forien films. Write down long quotes for your gaming biz friend then loose them. Poke your best guy friend in the back with a stick. Think up new names for a busniess. But answer, "I been busy."